


Divination

by evansentranced



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-28
Updated: 2006-06-28
Packaged: 2017-10-30 12:07:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/331590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evansentranced/pseuds/evansentranced
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ron experiences many different types of divination, along with a bewildering and unexplainable marshmallow. Crack!fic</p>
            </blockquote>





	Divination

****

**_**_AEROMANCY is_ divination from the air and sky, particularly concentrating on phenomena not normally visible in the heavens.**_**

 ** _

**  
**

_**

_He was flying his broom, watching as a Chaser flew toward him. It was a big, burly Slytherin, and he sneered as he neared Ron and the goal posts, yelling, "Give it up, Weasley! You'll never block me!"_

_"Oh, won't I?" Ron asked challengingly, and the Chaser's eyes widened at his lack of fear. Ron flew at him full speed, and the Chaser yelled out in shock and fell off his broom, dropping the Quaffle. Ron caught it and threw it as hard as he could. It flew all the way across the pitch, past the Slytherin Keeper's outstretched fingers, and through the hoop, scoring for Gryffindor just as Harry caught the Snitch. He had single-handedly won the game! The crowd went wild, and Harry flew over with an ecstatic grin on his face._

_"Wow, Ron! That was bloody brilliant! If you hadn't scored, we would have lost! I'm nothing compared to you!" Suddenly there was an official looking wizard at Harry's side. "This man is from the Chudley Cannons!" Harry said with a grin. "He wants you to be their star Keeper!"_

_"You'll be making a million galleons a month, Mr. Weasley," The man said hopefully, pulling a large money bag out of nowhere and dumping it in Ron's lap._

_"Oh, Ron!" Mrs. Weasley cried from the crowd, "I'm so proud of you! You're the best of all my children!"_

_"It's true!" Mr. Weasley, Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred, George and Ginny all chimed in, beaming at him._

_Ron grinned modestly as he was surrounded by his cheering fans, Hermione's face prominent among them as she beamed up at him._

_"Wow, Ron! That was amazing! You were so graceful up there! I just want to eat you up!"_

_Ron grinned as Hermione threw her arms around him. Lavender and Parvati suddenly appeared, and Lavenderflung herself on Ron._

_"No! I want him! Ron is mine!"_

_"No!" Parvati purred, sidling up to Ron and slipping an arm about his waist. "We can share him!"_

_"That's a great idea!" Hermione said, giving Ron a coy smile._

_Ron couldn't help but feel like this was the best day ever. He beamed and relaxed as the girls decided how they would share him, and basked in the sound of the crowd chanting his name._

_"Ron!"_

_"Ron!"_

_"Ron!"_

_"RON! WAKE UP!"_

_  
_

**Oneiromancy is divination by dreams.**  
  


Ron's eyes snapped open. He was laying in his four poster, and Harry was standing over him, toothbrush in hand, trying to wake him up.

"Harry?"

"Get up, Ron! We're going to miss breakfast!"

Ron pulled himself out of bed and started pulling on his clothes. He didn't want to miss breakfast.

 

_**BIBLIOMANCY** _ **involves divination by books.**

**  
**

"Turn, please, to the introduction and read what Imago has to say on the matter of dream interpretation. Then, divide into pairs. Use  _The Dream Oracle_ to interpret each other's most recent dreams. Carry on."

Ron and Harry sat in Divination together, using Harry's book to read since Ron had forgotten his. When they finished reading, Harry looked expectantly at Ron. Ron remembered his dream from the past night and fought a blush. There was no way he was telling Harry about that.

"I never remember my dreams," he said. "You say one."

"You must remember one of them," Harry replied impatiently. Damn. Ron could tell Harry really didn't want to think about his own dreams. Remembering the way Harry screamed and yelled in his sleep, Ron thought he could understand why. His being sympathetic, however, still didn't make him willing to spill and tell Harry his dream. Ron screwed up his face at the thought. Fine.

"Well," he said evasively, "I had one that I was playing Quidditch the other night. What d'you reckon that means?"

Harry looked down at the pages of his textbook without interest. "Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something," he said glumly.

 

_**DEMONOMANCY** _ **is divination with the aid of demons.**

**  
**

After Divination, in which they had been told to keep a dream journal for a month (a whole  _month!_ ), they went to Defense. After being told that they wouldn't be using magic  _at all_ , that apparently, You-Know-Who hadn't returned (which Ron knew was absolute rubbish), and that they should be telling tales on anyone who said otherwise, Harry lost his temper and yelled at the teacher, a frumpy  _bitch_ of a woman named Umbridge, and ended up getting sent to McGonagall.

The rest of the period was spent in silence.

When the bell rang, everyone rushed out of the room as fast as possible. Hermione mumbled something about going to the library and dashed off, leaving Ron by himself.

Ron stuffed his hands in his pockets and wondered how angry McGonagall was, and if they would really have to deal with that _teacher_ all year. He decided to go find Harry, and, hoping he was still in McGonagall's office, set off.

 

_**GYROMANCY** _ **is a divination procedure where a person walks in a circle until they become dizzy and stumble.**

**  
**

He took a new route; he had found it on Harry's map a while back, and wanted to give it a try. After quite a bit of searching, he was pretty sure he had found the tapestry he was looking for. He followed a set of stairs to a dark room. He didn't remember seeing this room on the map, but he thought he might have overlooked it. If he was going the right way, all he had to do was find the other door and he'd end up in a corridor close to his head of house's office. He began his search, feeling along the walls carefully.

That was when he heard it.

There was a strange scuffling sound coming from a spot to his left. He backed away slightly and raised his wand, intending to light it and see what was there.

Before he could, though, something large and fluffy launched itself on him and started making strange sounds as it attempted to swallow his foot.

He screamed in surprise (and no small amount of terror) as he fell, and tried to wrench his foot free. He hit the creature, but it was so squishy that his punches just sank into it's flesh and bounced back again.

He yelled again, and finally cast  _Lumos_  in order to see what he was about to hex.

It was a giant marshmallow.

 

_**CLAIRAUDIENCE** _ **is "clear hearing" of divinatory information.**

**  
**

He stared, his mouth hanging open in astonishment. He remembered what Harry had said earlier, the words floating back to him through his haze of shock.

" _What d'you think that means?"_

" _Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something..."_

The marshmallow launched itself on his left foot, already having consumed the bottom half of the right.

Ron snapped out of his daze and yelled again, fighting to extricate himself from the giant blob of marshmallowey evil.

As he fought, he couldn't help but remember the dream that had (presumably) gotten him into all this.

_Hermione threw her arms around him, exclaiming, "You were so graceful up there! I just want to eat you up!"_

Ron blinked.

 _Well, that had been an odd choice of words,_ he thought with a frown.  _'Eat you up? Maybe it was an omen...or maybe...'_

Ron stared down at the marshmallow, who, in spite of Ron's relentless struggling and curses, had swallowed most of his legs, up to his thighs.

He paused for a moment, then figured,  _'What the hell?'_ and took a large bite.

The marshmallow made a sound of pain. Or at least that was what it sounded like to Ron. He took it as a sign of success and grinned as he took another bite. He really did love eating marshmallows. He just didn't like being eaten by them.

The marshmallow gave a little cry of anger and wriggled away. Ron took another bite, and whooped with joy as the marshmallow released him, the better to get away from him and his teeth.

Ron followed and took another bite, causing the marshmallow to make a strange gurgling sound and advance on him again.

Ron realized he'd taken it too far and began to apologize. The marshmallow took this as a sign of weakness and started snapping at the hem of his robes again.

 

_**CAUSIMOMANCY** _ **is divination from behavior of objects placed in a fire.**

**  
**

Ron glared. He wasn't about to let himself be cowed by a giant marshmallow, no matter how large and tasty it was. He addressed the marshmallow directly.

"I suppose I must be tasty, then, if you insist on trying to eat me," he began. The marshmallow flopped distractedly, still snapping at his feet with it's goopy jaws. "You know what  _I_ think is tasty?" Ron asked, putting on a thoughtful expression. "S'mores."

The marshmallow froze.

"That's right!" he said, emboldened by the marshmallow's wary stance. "I love s'mores!"

The marshmallow began to back away very slowly.

"My favorite part, though, is roasting the marshmallows." Ron pulled out his wand and eyed the marshmallow contemplatively. "You're a marshmallow, aren't you?"

The marshmallow squealed (as well as any marshmallow can squeal, anyhow,) and took off, disappearing quickly into the shadows of the dark room which, Ron realized, looking around, was much larger than he'd thought it was.

 

_**SCIOMANCY is divination using a spirit guide, a method generally employed by chanelers.** _

_**  
**_

With his wand lit, he found the exit easily, and although he hadn't found the right corridor, it was nearby. Unfortunatley, upon arriving at McGonagall's office, he found that Harry had long since gone.

"Too late," he muttered, turning around to head up to the common room.

"Too late for what, might I ask?" Nearly Headless Nick had just rounded the corner.

"I was going to meet Harry after he was done with McGonagall, but he's gone."

"Oh, I think he's gone to dinner," Nick said pensively, "I heard Peeves was giving him a hard time earlier, so I expect he'll be in a bad mood."

"Thanks Nick," Ron said, and set off for the Great Hall instead.

 

_**ALOMANCY** _ **is divination by table salt.**

**  
**

He met Harry in the Hall, and Hermione showed up a few minutes later and began filling their plates. Harry dutifully tucked in, but Ron shook his head and sat back in his chair.

"Pass the salt," Harry said grumpily. Harry was definitely in a mood. Ron decided to leave him be for now, which turned out to be a very good idea when Harry later ended up storming out of the Hall, blistering at all the skeptical whispers over what he'd done in Defense.

"Ron Weasley, not stuffing his face?" Hermione asked in surprise. "Are you feeling alright?"

"No, I'm fine," Ron said with a grin. "I already ate. But I  _will_ have some apple pie." He took a slice and looked around the table. "D'you think they have marshmallow topping?"


End file.
